Harry Potter and the Dalai Lama
by Angie5
Summary: When 4 strange men in orange robes holding a baby arrive at Hogwarts, Harry and his friends know something is up. The men proceed to show Harry what his true destiny may or may not be--Harry needs to decide what kind of life he wants to have. I'm going fo
1. Default Chapter

(A:N: Hey. Thanks for selecting to read my fanfic and ponder the meanings of whatever with me. Review when you're done. Please.........my mom is a giant potato)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry Potter and the Dalai Lama, Chapter One  
  
"I definitely failed that exam," said Harry miserably as he and Ron met Hermione in the corridor. She smiled.  
  
"You should have dropped it." Hermione never seemed to miss a chance to rub in the fact that she took this great course while they stared aimlessly into mugs of tea.  
  
"Well.I think I failed it too," added Ron, trying desperately. If Ron had known Freud, Freud would had a great time telling Ron all about his inferiority complex and his attention-craving inner child, deprived of the attention he should have received while his mom was doing the dishes and having babies or whatever.  
  
"I failed worse than you did," pointed out Harry. Harry also needed some Freud-It was so obvious how he had to be the center of attention. This probably dates back to how his aunt and uncle wouldn't give him food or anything normal and than he became this ?ber-wizard dude.  
  
"You both failed a lot. Okay?" Hermione was actually the only normal person in the trio, despite the part where she looked like an overgrown beaver.  
  
"I told her that I was going to be devoured alive by the squid in the lake after my kitten dies and I fail seven exams," declared Harry proudly.  
  
"Well, I told her I was going to become a trashy romance writer and pose for covers and be thrashed to death by a crowd of teenagers."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"You shut up Harry."  
  
"You shut up first."  
  
"Are those exchange students?" Hermione pointed across the hall where four men, dressed in bright orange robes were carrying a baby.  
  
"Err.they could be," admitted Harry.  
  
"Did they shave their heads?" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"I don't know." Harry was bewildered by their actions as he watched them jabber away in some dialect of Chinese. They were jerking the baby around and pointing to Harry and his friends down the hall.  
  
"Hey, Dean!" called Harry as he dormitory mate, Dean Thomas crossed the hall. Dean stopped. "Did those guys shave their heads or are they bald?"  
  
Dean peered at the men. "That's shaved." He shook his head in disgust. "Why do white men always look like giant thumbs when they shave their heads?" He walked away.  
  
"I'm going to talk to them," declared Hermione.  
  
"You do that," muttered Harry. He gathered up his books. "You coming Ron?"  
  
"No. I want to talk to them."  
  
"You do?" Harry could feel astonishment seep through his blood like arsenic. Ron didn't even talk to his own classmates.  
  
"Well.Hermione is.and I stalk her.you know?"  
  
Harry nodded. "How could I not?"  
  
And so, Harry and Ron wandered over to Hermione and the four hairless men.  
  
"Harry! Ron!" exclaimed Hermione. "You're never going to believe who these men are!" She looked at them, almost giddy with excitement. "Guess."  
  
Harry looked at them suspiciously. "Death Eaters."  
  
"Nope!"  
  
Ron looked into one of their faces. "Um.Abercrombie and Fitch Models?"  
  
"Nope!" Hermione looked pleadingly ingot their eyes. "Come on, you guys. I can't' believe you don't know this."  
  
"Are you the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?" Questioned Harry.  
  
Hermione exploded. Her insides dripped against the sides of the hall and her spleen landed in Ron's hair.  
  
Just kidding. She only exploded literally. Anyway.  
  
Hermione exploded. "You guys are so dumb! Can't you tell?"  
  
"Obviously not," commented Harry.  
  
"They're Buddhist monks!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"No way!" said Ron, mocking her with his tone of voice. "Are you kidding me? Buddhist Monks!" He turned to Harry. "'Scuse me, Harry. I've got to call my mom. This is the most exciting information I've heard since Justin went solo."  
  
Suddenly, the baby in the monk number one's arms went limp.  
  
"Hey.sir?" said Harry uncertainly. The monk smiled at him. "I'm not sure, but I think you just killed that baby."  
  
Monk #1 looked confused. Harry pointed to his arms. "The baby," he said louder. "I think you killed it."  
  
The monk still looked puzzled. Finally, a shock of recognition flooded his face. He shook his head, and indicated he was only sleeping.  
  
"I see," commented Harry.  
  
"Right," echoed Ron, who had yet to call Mrs. Weasley.  
  
Suddenly, the baby in Monk 1's arms jerked away. Monk 1 smiled reassuringly at Harry. He held out the baby to Harry. The other three monks nodded encouragingly. "Er..alright."  
  
Somewhere in the time between the monk handing over the baby to Harry and Harry catching it, the baby fell. It wasn't exactly a free fall, child abuse fall; it was only about three feet. The child didn't appear hurt.  
  
"Sorry," apologized Harry. "I didn't mean to drop your baby."  
  
Monk 2 smiled at Harry and patted him on the shoulder. "Um.thank you. I've got to go to class now.but I'll catch you later!"  
  
"Yeah," added Ron. "We'll do that lunch thing."  
  
"But guys," insisted Hermione. "I wanted to stay and learn things from my new Buddhist friends-"  
  
"Shut up, Hermione! You have no friends!" snapped Harry. He smiled weakly. "Just kidding."  
  
"Fine, but I like these Buddhist people.."  
  
"Come on!" Ron tugged her arm. The way those monks were smiling at him was creeping him out.  
  
They weren't five feet away when Harry noticed the baby was following them. "Ron!" he whispered. "Why is this child following us?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Harry shouldn't have stopped. He should have followed Hermione and taken a sharp left, or taken a quick sharp right like Ron. But he felt almost hypnotized as he watched the baby slow crawl to him, the Buddhist monks cheering silently in the background, Hermione and Ron urging him to move as the baby moved nearer and nearer. Finally, Ron and Hermione each grabbed an arm and forced him to move. But they found they couldn't. The baby had clamped his grip on Harry's ankle. "Um.could you let me go?" asked Harry. The baby smiled innocently. Suddenly, whoops of joy were heard from the other end of the hall. The monks were laughing, jumping up and down and smiling. Harry leaned over and picked up the baby. The monks approached him. All four knelt ceremoniously in front of him. "Why are you kneeling?" asked Harry frantically. "Harry Potter," said Monk 3 in a heavily accented voice. "You are the new Dalai Lama.  
  
(A/N: Hey.it's Angie. Thank you for bothering to reach the end of this chapter. Please review this. I promise I'll update this soon.as soon as those creative juices are FLOWING flowing like the rivers that flow in my native Scotland.not really. Anyway, review. () 


	2. The Love Child

(A/N/- It's me again! I forgot about this, but now the creative juices are flowing free like the waters of the uncaged Nile. Read and review my lovers!)  
  
"I beg your pardon?" said Harry in his cultured way. He held the baby a little tighter. "I don't think so."  
  
"You must be!" exclaimed the monk. "For when you were a year old, at the exact same time you conquered the Dark Lord, our late great Dalai Lama died."  
  
Harry handed the child to Hermione. The infant, with it's perpetual gaze was scaring the beejesus out of him. "I'm sorry for your loss," he said politely. "May I ask how he died?"  
  
"He got AIDS," said the Monk 3 briskly.  
  
Harry looked stunned. "Oh.I'm sorry."  
  
"No, just kidding. He had Parkinsons' Disease. But it's okay." Monk 3 smiled. "We've got you now," said the monk reassuringly.  
  
Before Harry could correct him, he felt a sharp poke at his shoulder. "Hey Harry!" said Colin Creevey excitedly. "Who are these people? Are they your friends? I was watching the whole time from behind you...Can I get a picture?" He noticed the child. "Is that your son? Did you and Hermione have a love child? Or is it Ron's? Huh?"  
  
"You are strange.and off-putting," said Monk 1 in what sounded like a Romanian accent. "Leave now."  
  
Yet Colin was too busy snapping photographs of the child. "He's going to have your ears, Harry. Mmh..smile now." He bent closer to the child to take a close up. It began to squirm and wail, reaching out for Colin.  
  
"Here," said Harry, thrusting the child in to Colin's arms. "You can keep it."  
  
"Er..I don't think so." said Colin uncertainly. "You want it back?" Colin tried in vain to shake the child from his hands. It gripped hard. The continual stare was now fixed on Colin. He shifted the child so it wasn't on his precious camera. "You're a weird little tyke, aren't you?"  
  
"Anywhoo," continued Monk 3, "We've come to take you to Tibet. With your brilliance and magical studies, you will make a MAGNIFICENT lama."  
  
"You're a llama?" asked Colin urgently. "Wow! When did you become Animagus? Are you going to be in a zoo? Which one? Isn't Tibet a communist Muggle country and monks keep setting themselves aflame?" "Weren't you leaving?" asked Monk 1. The clock chimed three times. "I have to go now," said Colin earnestly. "Here's your kid." He attempted to hand over the baby, but it was to now avail. He tried again. "Here."  
  
The infant had no inkling to move, and promptly fell asleep on Colin. "Oh great," whined Colin. "McGonagall is going to love this."  
  
"Yeah, I got to go too," said Harry. He nodded at Ron. "Come on wench, we have Potions with that sexy stud.." Ron shot him a worried look. "I mean.GREASY GIT! Isn't that better? God, Weasly, I can't believe you called Snape sexy.he's greasy and unattractive. He's a professor, for crying out loud!" Harry bit his lip. "It would never work."  
  
Ron stared. "No, I guess not." Harry and Ron turned to leave. The monks bowed reverently and turned.  
  
"I want to go meet this Headmaster man," grumbled Monk 2 in a surprisingly Brooklyn mobster accent. "I heard he's got slaves in the kitchens.they need to be free."  
  
"You ought to talk to Hermione," snickered Ron. "Maybe you can join SPEW."  
  
"Hehe.SPEW. Isn't it funny that Hermione is trying to do something special when we both know she will never accomplish anything without me?" Harry couldn't help feeling superior when his friends tried to do something distinctive without him. What could be more special than the Boy-Who-Lived- To-Be-An-Asshole? Ron and Harry thundered down the hall as the three monks calmly began heading towards the Great Hall.  
  
"Guys? GUYS?" shouted Colin. He joustled the sleeping baby. "HARRY? RON?!?!?! MONKMEN? You left your baby!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well, I guess it's you and me, baby." Colin paused and thought for a moment. "I guess we should go to Transfiguration."  
  
(A/N/-Sorry for the short chapterness. I'm kind of busy reading disturbed fanfic. There are some weird people out there. That's the strange part about fanfic-you never know who the author is. Anywhoo, if you enjoyed this I recommend When Harry Met Jesus, a fic I co-authored. It's pretty amusing I believe!) 


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